Strugglin' Wit Me: Behind The Musiiic
Updated: Nov 1, 2020
In this song, I talk about some of my struggles & the people who help me through them. I have friends & mentors who are super encouraging and don’t hesitate to keep it 100 even when it hurts.
“I’m grateful for community, cause I’ve been strugglin’ wit me”
Concept of this song came as I was driving home on the 405 freeway in Los Angeles, CA. I was listening to Youtube and a video came up of Hip hop artist Wande. Her face on the cover of the single and a Reach Records logo at the bottom right side of the thumbnail. I was immediately excited like, Yo! They let one of us in!! They signed the first female artist to Reach!” Yet, simultaneously, I felt jealousy & envy. I felt covetousness rising up within me like never before. I started crying. I started crying for a number of reasons.
Off top, it was a slap in the face regarding my lack of discipline and doubt. Her making history in this way automatically communicates her grind, work ethic, and confidence. I had been dancing around with unbelief and laziness, and tormented inside because I know God has given me something great but I hadn’t been doing my part. So I was mad convicted. It’s like yo, she did the work and she believed in herself. I don’t want to do the work, and I don’t believe in myself. I felt the reality of sitting on the sidelines and entertaining the possibility of never getting in the game.
Secondly, I was hurt at the fact that I was hater. I was hurt because I wanted to celebrate her but I couldn’t because I had already started comparing myself, and comparison kills joy. I had even started to pump myself up in an unhealthy way to drown out the truth about my character. I was jealous, envious and was coveting her success. I didn’t know much about her but that she was dope! I know she had the juice. And I was hurt at the fact that this is a monumental moment and I can't even enjoy it because my heart is trash. Wow.
This all happened in about a 2 minute time frame, as I’m surprisingly NOT sitting in LA traffic. Quickly, I call one of my best friends. I told her what happened and how I was feeling. She listened and helped me walk through my emotions. This person is that friend that’ll call you out on your crap, straight up. She’s the closest person next to my husband that truly knows how I think and how triflin’ my heart really is.
This situation is a perfect example of how C.O.O.L. is not just something I do, but is a part of my lifestyle. In order for me to find peace, clarity and healing within this situation, I needed to talk to God about it and have Him help me through this.
My friend helped me think through a list of some of my issues, character flaws and emotions that were being exposed in that moment. She wrote them down and sent them to me since I was driving. When I pulled up in my apartment parking structure, before walking in the house, this is what I wrote:
This is this beginning process of me Courageously. Overcoming. Obstacles. Lyrically. Which ended up being the single, Strugglin’ Wit Me.
In the final lyrics, the hook says,
The heart of this song doesn’t rest in the struggle but in COMMUNITY! Inspired by my friendship, here are two parts in the song that highlight it’s core:
Godly community is a major key to a successful Christian life. I say that boldly and confidently. Galatians 6:2 says,
“Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”
To be real, no one wants to tell people their struggles to someone they don’t trust. We build trust in relationship. And building relationships take spending time to get to know one another to grow genuine care. You can’t even find a person to start this process without being in community.
Communities are typically built around common interests. School, church, work, sports, music, etc. It’s easier to grow friendships with people who like similar things.
I met my friend at church. We both have small children and were the only two in the cry room during service. That was how we got familiar enough to exchange numbers and began talking outside of church. She learned that I did music, I learned that she was a YouTuber and we got closer and closer each day.
We now can tell each other things that we couldn’t tell anyone else. We trust each other to the deepest point and truly bear each other’s burdens. This was a 2 year process and it was worth it.
Lastly, the music video! In this video, you see my actual community. It’s my church community and Christian Hip Hop community.
Shai, is to the left. The friend that helped through my process. To the right is Ty Scott-King. An amazing Hip Hop/Spoken Word Artist who has been intentional with reaching out to me, and showing genuine interest to spend time to get to know me.
I also had all the homies and their family members pull up:
We had the kids out there and everything. It was mad family reunion/ 4 of July function vibes lol.
One of the most valuable things I value about my community is age diversity. I had the older, or should I say, “phenomenally regal” women from my church come out as well:
All of these women play a significant roll in my life. From teaching me about worship, walking me through discipleship books, helping with my son, always having an ear ready to listen and rich with biblical wisdom and the real when it comes to womanhood. The awesome woman directly to left of me in the picture is my mother in law. She has been all of the those things at the same time in my life for the last 5 years. I mean PHENOMENAL WOMAN OF GOD. I have been truly blessed with community God has surrounded me with. There’s no way I can fail.
Strugglin’ Wit Me is more than a song, it’s a vivid picture into my life. From the internal struggles of jealousy and coveting, to my friendships and accountability. My therapy through writing and relationship with God, to my friends and family sharing in my process through it all.
I’m MYKiiiE, I’M C.O.O.L.
And you are too.